*COLOUR-FLYING RESULTS
< *Get married to HyunJoong or JaeJoong?8D
*Become a wonderful watercolour painter
*Finishes all my fiction and get a blast of comments from them!
*Forever Friends with my 38 Gang~ <3
*Forever eat food that is cooked by my dad~ <3
*Eat, sleep and do nothing?

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

>> Wriggly Low
>> Hiki Darling
>> Emi Dongsaengie
>> Shirly Unneh
>> RainForest's Novels
>> Jeremy Priest
>> Words Flows 4 Us/a>
>> RainForest
>> Traffic Police
>> Clareen
>> >> >>

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Now. now, regarding Wriggly's new post about my passed away grandmother. How should I put this?

It's not like I don't care a damn whether she's dead or alive, but I have a soft spot for her in some ways. Her death didn't shake me that much than I'd imagined, but that didn't mean I don't feel a thing at all. 

Yesterday was a day of extreme exhaustion, thus resulting my mood seemed to be Swinging more than usual. I had rests, I woke up, and I reminded myself - Grandma is dead. I felt nothing at first, but I recalled the moments where I would be seeing and greeting her everytime whenever I arrived at Perak. That's the first thing I'd always do. 

I suddenly missed her croaked sounding voice and her loud complaints about her pains and life. I missed the sounds of her odd chuckle, her crooked smile that would reveal some of her still-there teeth, her shuddering shoulders whenever she was talking. I missed every bit of it.

Whenever I think of, would I still be able to see her next year CNY ?

To see her around winning every bets in poker cards and everyone sighing and giving her their money and she would smile and laugh like she'd just won lottery? 

I don't have much memory of her, but, I think it was a well lived life, some how. Inspite all her grumpiness, her complaints, she was strong willed. 

She had managed to live out more than a month than her originally planned life, she had fought her death by not giving up on hope and waking up every morning relieving my relatives, she had gotten so well over the month. I thought she would live for a whole year more, I thought she would still be there when I return to Perak on CNY next year, and for the coming years. 

I felt nothing at first, really. But all the rememberings made me so sad. I didn't cry for her, I wasn't there, there weren't emotions flooding me. But I felt the immediate urge to pray for her. I stood in my room and prayed for her. I remembered I told her in my prayers:

You were a wonderful person. So strong, so cow. Your life is never meaningless. I wonder if I would have fought like you to God, you were critical and you were dying the last time I saw you, but you lived for a whole month later. And you disappeared so soon. Whenever I think of you on your bed, eyes closed and never waking up, I felt somehow upset that I couldn't see you off for the last time. I have boundaries, I'm sorry. Even though I never felt for it, but for this very first time, until we lost you to your maker, I knew one thing. 

It wasn't a deep feeling. But for being to be able to know you, and once have you around was fun when I was young. Now that I recalled, you played with me inspite you were sick. You insisted on making me snacks when I told you it's fine. You smiled whenever you see me. You don't recognized me in the very end of your life, but it's fine. 

I just want to tell you. I'm glad you're finally freed from pain and suffer, I hope you'll meet grandpa over there. Rest well. Please don't worry about us. We'll be fine. I love you, and bye bye. Please don't worry any more and rest well. 

Okay, I cried writing this post. I don't know if it's of exhaustion or sadness. 

That's my prayer for my grandmother. But in Cantonese. 

I told my mom when she was heard the news, 

"Find comfort in knowing you were a special part in a well-lived life. Memories are forever locked in your hearts. Death doesn't mean perishing."

Through SMS. Of course.

Yes, to those who have lost your family, friends or relatives. I need you to know, that life is short, fast, and sometimes surprisingly to go vanishing all of a sudden. I think I told you before, that a life is at its mean not for its period but for how we lived it. I need you to cherish who you loved and everything around you right now before you lose them and start regretting. 

My only regret was not to see my grandmother off for her last trip. Please forgive me for my absence. Until now, nothing has been moving me due to her death, but whenever i think about her, i feel somehow upset. I was glad I wasn't that close to her, selfishly, or else I wouldn't be taking my trial and I would be crying all day long for her death. I had that experience, and it wasn't a nice one. I hate crying over the loss of someone, I somehow felt I want them to be by my side forever. So, I was often shocked to hear someone passing away that suddenly. I can't count the number of loss around me this year. Not only the descendants, but also living people who had left my life. 

Grandma, still, even though it was never strong and maybe it was not deep enough to reach you. Maybe it wasnt real from my heart or so, but I really want to tell you I love you. You have to know everyone loves you in Perak. Alright? 

Please take good care of her, dear Lord. Rest in peace. 

 I won't lock you up in my memories, I'll remember you as someone who was really happy, who loved gambling, who loved to complain, who loved my baby brother, who were so sick but still throwing a tantrum. And Oh dear, what a bad grandchildren I am. Shame to say I don't know my grandmother's name, I'd never bothered to ask at all. What kind of a human I am? 

I SUCK LOADS. I KNOW. I SUCK! GO TO HELL DAMN ALIEN(ME)!

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